


Settling Dust

by dovingbird



Series: One Simple Change [5]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: Aggressive!Phil, Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-01-25
Packaged: 2018-01-09 22:18:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1151451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dovingbird/pseuds/dovingbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She'd stood with the group as they saw him off, Phil far on the other side of the six of them, and tried not to look at him. She'd kept her eyes on Colton, the most inspirational of all the damn people in the house, the one who cared the most about all of them, and tried to remember how much she'd miss him. All she could think of was how much Phil would miss him instead. Part of my "One Simple Change" series, where each story was written week-to-week as the S11 episodes premiered. AU in that Hannah and Phil broke up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Settling Dust

"Come to my room tonight," he'd whispered on the stage, brushing his fingers against her hand just before they'd separated to say their goodbyes to Colton. "Come to my room at midnight."  
  
It'd been hours since then, and she was still shivering in misery.  
  
That was the last time she wanted to be in the bottom three unless they were gonna send her the fuck home. She couldn't stand it. She couldn't stand being there with people that went home instead of her every time, ones that maybe even deserved to stay more than she ever would. It made her sick.  
  
And Colton? Watching him walk away tonight? Watching him pack? Watching him leave for the last time? That'd been the hardest of them all.  
  
She'd stood with the group as they saw him off, Phil far on the other side of the six of them, and tried not to look at him. She'd kept her eyes on Colton, the most inspirational of all the damn people in the house, the one who cared the most about all of them, and tried to remember how much she'd miss him.  
  
All she could think of was how much Phil would miss him instead.  
  
Now she was walking toward Phil's room, hands in her pockets, eyes downcast, and ignoring the way the others watched her. They knew now. They knew what was going on. And she got the feeling that they hated her for it.  
  
She wanted to tell them there wasn't any reason to. Besides the passionate moment they'd shared that night after their last duet, Phil had been avoiding her like the plague, and for the life of her she couldn't figure out why. There was only one moment that she could pinpoint last Thursday that meant anything to her.  
  
Colton had grabbed Phil. Colton had taken him aside for a long chat, one that took hours. And after that, Phil hadn't so much as looked at her.  
  
It had been Colton. It had been him, with his good heart and his compassion, that had left Elise wandering in a perpetual state of confusion for the last week.  
  
She paused at Phil's door and hesitated before she knocked. He didn't wait even a full second before he opened the door and ushered her in.  
  
She lingered in the center of the room, staring at the bed, before she glanced over her shoulder. Phil was rubbing his face, leaning back against the door and looking absolutely miserable. "...how're you holding up?"  
  
Phil coughed out a laugh. "I feel like shit. You?"  
  
She nodded. "Same."  
  
He sighed heavily before he dropped his hands and met her eyes. They stood there in silence, staring at each other for a long few seconds, before he spoke again. "I miss that son of a bitch already."  
  
"I know." He was acting so normal. He was acting like nothing had even happened between them. Elise felt her hackles rising, her anger stirring. "I know you do."  
  
"I can't believe we're not gonna see him 'til Summer tour. I just..."  
  
"...you just?"  
  
"I just can't believe it."  
  
Silence. "...is that all you wanna talk about?"  
  
"...what?"  
  
"You don't talk to me or look at me for a whole week, and now you wanna talk just because he's gone?"  
  
Phil narrowed his eyes. "Elise-"  
  
"Because now your buddy's gone again, so you get me? I'm just the fucking consolation prize?"  
  
"Elise, don't you dare-"  
  
"What if it had been me?"  
  
"Don't you dare say that," he hissed. He stalked across the room and pulled her in suddenly for a sharp, desperate kiss, before he took handfuls of her hair. He held it gently, like it was handspun gold silk. "I've lost everybody I ever gave a shit about in this competition." He squeezed her hair, grimacing. "Except you." He shook his head, breathing out a quiet sigh. "And in some sick, twisted way, you matter to me more than any of them."  
  
Her fingers tightened around his sleeves as she felt the bite of tears at her eyes.  
  
"I lost my brothers. But I've still got my...my..."  
  
"Your what?" she murmured, tilting her head to the side. "What even am I to you?"  
  
"I don't know!" He jolted away from her and turned away, dragging a hand through his hair. "Don't you think if I know, I'd tell you?!"  
  
She stood there, tall, calm, resolute, and held her chin a little higher. "I think you know."  
  
"I-"  
  
"I think you know and you're scared to say it."  
  
He froze, stiffening, looking like every hair on his body was standing up. He looked over his shoulder. And he looked so damn angry that she shrank back.  
  
His nostrils flared. And then he turned to face her, rubbing the back of his neck. "You think you know me better than I know myself?"  
  
"No, I-"  
  
"Then tell me, Elise. What are you to me?"  
  
She stared at him.  
  
"What do you think, huh? I love you?"  
  
"No."  
  
"'Cuz I don't," he snapped, taking long steps toward her, and she stumbled backward. "I don't care what you think, I don't."  
  
"I know you don't," she whispered. "I know."  
  
"Then what do you think?"  
  
Her back slammed into the wall, and Phil came there right with her. He pressed his hand against the wall right beside her face, so close she could feel his body heat rolling off of it. And then he leaned close, a breath away from her, and narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Tell me," he said.  
  
"You're scaring me."  
  
He stared at her. And then he curled his hand into a fist and backed away, breathing in sharply through his nose.  
  
With air between them, she could breathe again. She closed her eyes and shook the tension out of her body, until she could sag in relief once more. "I don't know that," she whispered, opening her eyes again. "But I'll tell you what I do know."  
  
He took a few more steps away. He put that space between them that she needed, like he was apologizing, like he understood. His hands fell flat against his thighs. He didn't nod for her to continue, but she did anyway.  
  
"I know you put everything you had here into Heejun." She watched him flinch, but she didn't hesitate. "You're not kidding when you say he's your brother. You love him. And I know when he left you hated yourself and you didn't know why you were even sticking around. I know you wanted to leave. And I know you probably stuck around just because you want to win it all for him now."  
  
He looked away, gritting his teeth.  
  
"I know Hannah broke your heart. I know you didn't even know you could feel that empty and worthless before that happened. I know you were desperate to feel loved that night. And I took advantage of it."  
  
That made him look back. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously, and she pressed on before he could interrupt her.  
  
"I know you wanted revenge. And I helped. I helped you get it. I know you talked to Colton for a damn long time that night. I don't know exactly what you talked about, but I know you started staying away from me, so I know he tried to help and told you to quit playing games like that with me."  
  
"He didn't-"  
  
"I know you've relied on him just as much as you have me." She smiled sardonically and shook her head. "He just wasn't easy like me."  
  
"I don't think you're easy."  
  
She stopped. They watched each other carefully for a long moment, weighing each other, before she began to speak again.  
  
"And I know...him leaving tonight was just as hard as Heejun. Hell, maybe harder, 'cuz I know I didn't expect it. I don't think anybody did."  
  
She would never forget Phil in those moments as Colton sang his final song. She would never forget how he'd keeled over like he was about to be sick, like he didn't have the strength to stand anymore. She would never forget just how vulnerable he felt right beneath her hand as she rubbed his back and tried her hardest to soothe him, even while she knew nothing would ever be enough.  
  
"Even harder...because I know you'd rather he be here talking to you tonight instead of me."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"..."  
  
"Shut up," he murmured, shaking his head, walking toward her again, but when he saw her flinch he froze. He hesitated. And then he held out a hand to her, his face so full of unadulterated sadness that something inside her broke. "If you think for a damn second that I want you gone, you got another thing coming."  
  
"But Colton-"  
  
"I love that son of a bitch to death, but he's not the one I want in my bed tonight."  
  
"Is that all I am to you?" she whispered. "Just someone you can fuck?"  
  
He curled his fingers back toward him before dropping his arm like a lead weight right back to his side. "...Elise..."  
  
She waited. She didn't want to make something like this easy on him, especially when she was breaking apart.  
  
"...I don't know what you are to me. I already told you that."  
  
The tears came back.  
  
"But I _do_ know that if I ever gotta say goodbye to you, it'll feel like a thousand Heejuns and Coltons put together."  
  
She touched her fist to her lips and turned away, sniffling.  
  
"I...don't want you to go. I wanna figure this out."  
  
She nodded helplessly even as she felt her entire body start to shake.  
  
"I don't know how to do it."  
  
"Why not?" she murmured, voice quivering.  
  
"'Cuz I don't even know what this is." She heard him begin to walk toward her, but this time she didn't tense with fear. "I sit in rehearsal and I watch you sing and it's the sexiest thing I've ever seen." He barked out a soft laugh. "And you come here and we...we make love, and it blows my mind, and I can't think, and I don't wanna be anywhere else, and then it's over and you get dressed and you leave and I just lay here and try to figure it out. And it don't make no sense. 'Cuz you're my friend. You're not my girlfriend. I think we'd kill each other in a week if we ever got that far."  
  
"We wouldn't have to."  
  
"But we probably would. We both got big heads."  
  
She smiled.  
  
"I try to figure out what I want. I never want this to end. I don't ever wanna forget how you taste. But I'm...I'm..."  
  
"You're scared."  
  
It was just a whisper, but it apparently caught his attention because he didn't speak again.  
  
"You're scared I'm gonna be Hannah all over again."  
  
"No. No, you'd never be her. You're not Hannah. You're Elise." Fingers brushed along her shoulder and smoothed her hair away from her neck. "That's what's got me caught." Pinpricks tickled down her spine when he brushed his lips across her shoulder, and he remained close, warm breath ghosting over her flesh. "And I don't know what I gotta do to get away."  
  
She leaned into him, her soft curves fitting against his sharp angles, and shivered. "Do you wanna get away?"  
  
His hands tightened around her hips, nails digging into her jeans, and he exhaled. "No."  
  
"Then don't."  
  
She gasped when he buried his face in her neck, nipping softly, and she locked an arm around his own neck to hold him close. She didn't know what they were getting into anymore. She just knew she didn't wanna get away.


End file.
